nan.. and me

a new card for nan (digital)

I feel like I'm split into two people at the moment. On one hand, I am enjoying digital scrapping and doing amazingly well considering I've never really done it before, and people seem to like my pages. But on the other hand I'm still in an odd place emotionally, trying to dig myself out of a bad place. I've made a very slow start. I've started to tidy up my house again, and actually went into the back garden (The Jungle) and pulled some weeds and tidied up a tiny area. That's the first time I've been out there in six months and touched the garden (I've only been out there previously to hang up clothes on the line).

Nan is still going well. But unfortunately, it looks like she will need a home that has full care now. Not that this is a bad thing; I actually feel quite good about it - knowing that she will be less likely to have another fall. But it just means that now I've got to wait on an assessment team (maybe next week), this weekend I've got to go to the place where she has been living for the past few years and clear everything out from clothes to squirrelled items, and some smaller furniture, and store it in my shed until we know where she is going and what she can take.And of course, no family are coming to help - it will just be me as usual. I can't really ask her 95 year old sister to help - she's been really supportive in other ways.

The hospital where she is currently for the rehab just don't have the staff or time to really assist nan properly. She's not been eating as well as normal (and she eats like a horse!) because they kind of drop a tray in front of her and just run. She can't read the bits on the menu to know what everything is or where it is (everything is in sealed containers) and sometimes she thinks she's not hungry now - but she is not very long after. So I've been visiting her at meal times to help her out. Last night was good. I left early from work and arrived before the food. She had Fish n Chips and icecream. She used the fork and spoon herself (with a little help from me so she didn't drop what was left on the utensil in her lap) and I helped her chop the chips into small pieces.

Then she announced something was in her pocket, and found a stray two pieces of chocolate (in foil) which she insisted I share with her. It was actually quite nice.

It was good to see her eat a fair portion of her meal. We sat, talked, watched the TV a bit, held hands (ouch she has a grip!!!) and then I gathered the laundry and left. She was a bit teary when I got there and said she had had a sad day, and I just said that was fine - we all have days like that - she said she felt like crying - I said that was fine too - we're girls - that's what we do - and if wanted to cry she should just go ahead and do it. Then she brightened up.

I don't know what I'm doing for Christmas. I would normally go to the coast to be with my parents and my brother, but I can't even think about christmas. There's not enough head space for that. If Nan is still in hospital I just don't feel comfortable abandoning her. Plus, there's still her washing to be done.